I keep in peak ass-kicking condition by wrestling parking meters, speedbagging sacks of kittens, and stealing hearts.
I have the last four Republican presidential candidates' bumper stickers on my Honda Civic, and I drive them with pride.
I am a ladies' man, not a lady's man, which means I am into at least two women at a time. I am serious - don't swing game at me if you aren't bringing a girlfriend you won't mind seeing naked.
I am a hardcore, old school dude, through and through. I do an hour of Tai Bo every morning while listening to the original motion picture soundtrack to Dirty Dancing, then drink two raw eggs blended with a banana and go fight five live bears. I have appeared in over ten pornographic home movies ranging from The League of Extraordinary Genitals to Napoleon Dynamite Does Dallas (all available to rent, just ask me). I play bass in a Van Halen coverband called Panama Jump and we kick ass like a Jean-Claude van Damme movie.